I relish the heady adventure of sneaking into things. I really do. But I’ve been sleeping in a van. Brushing my teeth in a hedge. Eating dry granola straight from the box for breakfast. I’m tired. I want to join the ranks of the Cannes Respectable. And I will resort to nefarious means to get there. Okay, not as nefarious as, say, a crack-smoking mayor, or the person who thought Honey Boo Boo was a good idea, but definitely stuff Ryan Gosling doesn’t have to do.
We’re going for the One-Day Accreditation Pass. You might say it’s a bargain at 20 euros, but you’d be forgetting that if I’d signed up before the deadline, I’d have had my badge for the week for free. Twenty euros is a lot to someone who lives in their van. Just ask Scooby Doo. But the money isn’t the real hurdle. Proving I am worthy might be. I have to show them a business card, guide them to my IMDB page and a vimeo link to the trailer for The Wasting. Had I known they were so mistrustful I’d have marched in wearing the kind of red carpet dress Nicole Kidman used to wear before her face stopped moving, waving around a hard copy of my CV. Next year I’m bringing a better wardrobe. Low-brow clothes notwithstanding, I got my pass
Proving Sean is worthy is where the nefarious bit comes in. Not because he isn’t worthy, though as his mother I supposed I shouldn’t be the one to make that call. But all his great qualities – including his incredibly intuitive acting talent and his wooden bead string that looks very avant-garde and actor-like – don’t matter two figs to the Guardians of the Day Pass. They want IMDB. Luckily, one of Sean’s many skills is “being on the ball.” So when we walked in, he whispered to me “Tell them I’m Brendan.”
Capital idea! (who says that, anyway?) Brendan is Sean’s older brother, also an actor. When they were kids they used to be mistaken for each other a lot, even by me. Brendan has an IMDB page. It seemed foolish for Sean to miss out on a day of legal access to the tent city when he could be cavorting about sporting a “Brendan Flynn” badge. Alas, the Guardians were also on the ball that day. It turns out that just because you look exactly like someone when you’re 10, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be auditioning for clone movies together when you’re 20. I saw them suspiciously comparing Sean’s face with Brendan's, disbelief etched all over their own. Just as I was about to kick him in the ankles and tell him to run for it, the Chief Guardian showed up. She must have been having a good day, because she gave Sean the thumbs up. He got his photo snapped and scurried off to do an “errand” for me, so they wouldn’t have time to rethink their decision. I paid some money, and we were respectable. Time to go saunter past the beefy arms-crossed guy at Tent City.